The desire for sex is one of the powerful hungers of our humanity. It can make you  restless when you have in one way or another provoked and entertained it but have no way of immediately satisfying it. Being a Christian or following Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour does not shield you from desiring to have sex. Getting married does not mean your sexual desire can only be aroused by your spouse. Some men in high positions have destroyed the trust and admiration the public had for them by not controlling their sexual urges. Think of the scandalous stories of Bill Clinton, Straus Khan, Tiger Woods and even King David in the Bible. A good thing can be abused and this has been our predicament with sex.In non-religious societies or among individuals who do not submit themselves to conservative religious doctrines, sex is like a free drug to be dispensed to anyone ready for it. They may only discriminate because of personal preferences such as attraction to the potential partner or the fact that they want to wait till marriage so that their wedding night will be special. Some Christians may hold the latter reason as something laudable. But as ideal as it sounds, it is not even Christian nor is it a biblical reason not to have sex.

In his satirical poem titled, Creed, the English journalist, Steve Turner, speaks about many of our modern secular ideas, and his second stanza mocks our present ideas on sex:

We believe in sex before, during, and

after marriage.

We believe in the therapy of sin.

We believe that adultery is fun.

We believe that sodomy’s OK.

We believe that taboos are taboo.

Many people today believe everything is alright as long as you do not hurt anyone, to the best of your definition of hurt, and to the best of your knowledge.  This belief has worked itself out in our lives – for both non-religious and religious folks.  Today we have an expression like “two consenting adults” as if to suggest that so long as there is agreement about the sexual act among two adults, there is really nothing morally wrong with it. The moral rightness or wrongness of the sexual act is now defined by the agreement or its absence thereof between the two adults.

Followers of Christ’s teachings have been and are expected (and rightly so) to live above reproach yet we are miserably not living up to expectations. Stories of pastors and church leaders involved in sexual scandals are common place. These are people whose philosophy of life dictates that they ought to have sex only with the woman they have married yet are living otherwise. ‎The unexposed private lives of the ordinary church members are no better. To suggest that the frequency of extra-marital sex and pre-marital sex among Christians within our churches is a problem is to state the issue too mildly. It is a scandal, a travesty, a matter calling for repentance and mourning. There is no denying that to some extent, these are indications of a stunted theological understanding of our sexuality. I remember attending youth programs in two different churches, (one an orthodox church, the other charismatic) that featured a talk on God’s view of sex and listening to some of the youth asking questions about whether sex before marriage was wrong. I was quite surprised to realize that this was an ambiguous area for them. But it underscored for me the fact that the times had changed. Churches are not preaching Christ’s precepts in this area; or if they are preaching it then perhaps not well enough. We are more concerned about teaching practical solutions for the temporary problems, rather than the eternal realities. Believers must be brought to a point of understanding that inspires firm belief and encourages acceptance of God’s teachings about our sexuality.

 Putting things in perspective

God made this world. He invented sex, so to speak, when he created our reproductive systems and also commanded us to reproduce. So sex is good and is a gift from God. In the Genesis story, God told man and woman to multiply and this required being one in flesh and in spirit. Indeed in the book of Malachi when God was no longer accepting the offerings from the people of Israel, the prophet explained one of the reasons as follows:

“You ask why he no longer accepts them. It is because he knows you have broken your promise to the wife you married when you were young. She was your partner, and you have broken your promise to her, although you promised before God that you would be faithful to her. Didn’t God make you one body and spirit with her? What was his purpose in this? It was that you should have children who are truly God’s people. So make sure that none of you breaks his promise to his wife. ” Malachi 2:14-15 GNB [Emphasis mine]

From this it is clear where the place of sex is intended to be – in marriage.  Outside this institution, having sex is sin. And sin means missing the mark, falling short of God’s standard. This does not seem like something serious. “Okay so, I missed the mark. What is the big deal?” one might think. It is a very serious deal – a deal with eternal dimensions.

Sin must be understood in terms of man’s relation to God. This is why Jesus, God in human flesh, can forgive sin that was not even done directly to him but rather to our fellow man. The definition of sin was given in the Genesis story when Adam and Eve disobeyed God’s commandment not to eat of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. They ate this forbidden fruit because they lost faith in God by believing a lie. They believed the devil’s subtle suggestion that God could not be trusted because he was keeping something good (i.e. the knowledge of good and evil) from them. Sin then is the faithless rebellion of man against the just authority of God. And this is where the significance of sin lays. Whenever we sin, whether we lie, cheat, yield to our bodily lusts etc, we show how faithless we are in God; how much we do not trust him. We make a statement which says we do not believe that God’s precepts and commandments are for our good or are in our interest; we believe he is keeping away from us something that is good for us.

Further, breaking God’s law at any point involves transgression at every point (Galatians 3:10). If we break the law of adultery, we have also broken the law of covetousness, killing etc. How come? This is so because the very authority of God which instituted the law of adultery is the same one that instituted the rest of the laws. As a result, rebelling against his authority in one area of life is simply rebellion against God’s authority, pure and simple. God has just one authority and it is himself. If you defy his law, you have defied his authority – you have defied him. You have broken fellowship with him. But because man was made to have fellowship with God, and to thrive on God, a sinful life brings a sense of restlessness and often a general lose of meaning in life because the divinely intended fellowship has been broken by sin.

In the Old Testament (Leviticus 18) God prohibited certain sexual activities. Also in the New Testament, in Jesus’ and Paul’s teachings, it is also clear that not all sexual encounters are permitted in God’s scheme of things. Adultery, homosexuality and fornication are spoken against in very clear terms – that people who engage in such things will not inherit God’s kingdom. Some current myths about sex that people have include:

        i.            Sex can be casual

The truth is God does not look upon sex as something to be treated casually; a pleasure to be had with just anyone when you feel like having it.

      ii.            If you love each other you can have sex.

The truth is that love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4). Real love will wait for marriage, under God’s blessing, before expressing itself through sex. If your love cannot wait, it is not love. It is lust, it is selfishness – it wants what it wants, how it wants it, when it wants it.

    iii.            We are going to get married soon anyway, so what is the big deal?

The big deal and the gospel truth is that being “about to get married” is not the same thing as “married”; you are not married yet and any of you could change their minds (or even external factors may prevent the idea of marriage from becoming reality) after the sexual act.

iv.            There is the need to ensure “it works” before you commit

Here is the hard but real truth: If you have genuinely given your life to Jesus Christ yet God in his infinite wisdom gives you a sexually defective partner, you can be sure that God will also grant you the grace, the wisdom and strength to be able to live with that partner as you keep depending on him. I know this is easier said than done. It might be hard to take in but it is truth. God has the power to carry us. In the most trying times of life, trusting and obeying God is the only way to enjoy his profound peace and joy which transcends human understanding. God is always with those who rely on him in their times of distress. He carries them when all else is spent – when strength (whether emotional, psychological or physical) is gone, wisdom is …